extending a hand of lard

They’re coming over here, taking our women, claiming our dole and eating our lard. It’s true!

Demand in east European countries for cheap cuts of pork has led to a shortage of meat suitable for rendering into lard. New members of the European Union, including Hungary and Poland, are buying within the union to avoid a levy on non-EU imports.

Supermarkets such as Morrisons have been forced to display signs on shelves apologising for the lack of lard. Somerfield said it had already been forced to limit the number of tubs of lard on sale at each of its stores. It is advising customers to check their local stores to see if another delivery has arrived.

Bastards. So the British yeoman is to be deprived of his God-given right to suck up half a pound of meat gristle in a pastry casing just so a bunch of dirty Eastern Europeans can make filthy looking sausages infected with garlic and paprika. Truly, we are a generation of slaves.

But when you think about it, lard is a great metaphor for the European Union. Wherever you go there’s the same bland, white, fatty mass. But each country brings something special to this bland, white, fatty mass, something that takes it and transforms it into literally heart-stopping comfort food. ‘Out of many, one’ say the united statespersons. ‘Out of one lump of lard – many pies’ respond the Euros.

Rather, what's important is that the European Dream is the first fully articulated vision of global consciousness, and, in this respect, represents a watershed in human thought.

Is Jeremy Rifkin right?* Can we bring lard to the world? Can lard bind up the wounds of the Iraqi people? Can we build a bridge of lard to China and India? Can we extend a welcoming hand of lard to suffering Afirca? Above all, can we replace the Washington consensus around low fat non-dairy spreads with a gentler, more humane approach involving rendered mechanically recovered meat?

If someone were to give me a book contract, I would be glad to explore these vital questions in more detail.

*no, never, on any subject.