smell my cheese, you mother

From May:

Tony Blair yesterday appealed to Labour MPs to unite behind the mammoth 45-bill Queen's speech programme for the "reform and respect" agenda which he hopes will become the lasting legacy of his final years in office…

With his own future uncertain in the medium term Mr Blair knows he has one certain chance - the 18-month session just starting - to entrench yesterday's catchphrase "reform and respect"

I dunno. Reform and respect. It never grabbed me. How..about...

A detective series based in Norwich called "Swallow". Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it�s necessary. He�s not a criminal, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if he, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly�
[Tony Hayers shakes his head.]
Alan: Think about it. No-one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse�. I mean, this will put Norwich on the map.
Tony: Why would I want to do that?
Alan:Yep, fair point. OK, right.

Time to try something else.

Plans to give panels of community volunteers the power to deal with minor crimes are to be outlined by Home Office minister Hazel Blears next week.

The Community Justice Panels would form a new tier of local courts below magistrates and mete out justice for petty crimes and anti-social behaviour.

Alan Attack!. Like the Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach.
Tony: [Shakes his head again] No.
Alan:Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave�.
Tony:I don't think so.
Alan: Pity, because they were very keen on that one

Peers have inflicted a heavy defeat on government plans to create a new offence of inciting religious hatred, despite strong hints of a climbdown from the Home Office.

They voted by more than two to one to back opposition to attempts to redraw the plans, amid claims that it was a bad law that would stifle freedom of speech.

Right, ah, now you'll like this one. Knowing M.E., Knowing You. I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform, you've got to keep the energy up...
[Tony shakes his head, horrified.]
Alan: You don�t like it?
Tony: No.

The Government will face opposition from the Liberal Democrats and Labour backbenches over its counter-terrorism proposals today.

The Conservatives are expected to vote with the Government at the second reading of the Terrorism Bill in the Commons, but critics from all three parties are expected to question the most controversial elements of the Bill, including the power to hold terror suspects for up to 90 days without charge.

The Government's third piece of anti-terrorism legislation in five years has attracted widespread disagreement since it was published in September. Lawyers and human rights campaigners have questioned a new offence of glorifying or indirectly encouraging terrorism as well as the 90 days detention.

Alan: That's alright, that's OK. Inner-City Sumo.
Tony: What's that?
Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.
Tony: No, no it's a bad idea.
Alan: Very cheap to make.
Tony: No.
Alan: Do it in a pub car park.

Ms Hewitt wants smoking banned in all enclosed public places - except for special staff-less "smoking rooms" in pubs.

The row has delayed publication of the government's Health Improvement and Protection Bill, expected on Wednesday.

The prime minister's official spokesman said the government would have a "clear idea" by the end of Wednesday when the Bill would be published and what would be in it.

The Tories say the government is in disarray on the issue, calling it a "shambles".

Alan: Cooking in prison.
Tony: [Laughing] Oh, no.
Alan: [Desperately] A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons�.
Tony: What's that?
Alan: Well, it's just a title, I mean erm, well, opening sequence, me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going "Oh God!"
Tony: [Holds his hands up] No, I'm sorry, no! Stop!
Alan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, erm, Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank�.
Tony: [Laughing and shaking head] No!

Tony Blair yesterday swept aside complaints from teachers and Labour MPs that his plans to turn all secondary schools into "self-governing independent state schools" would create administrative chaos and more inequality.

In an uncompromising speech that signalled his last big attempt to vindicate his 1997 pledge that his priority would be "education, education, education", he accused leftwing critics of promoting "a version of the old levelling-down mentality that kept us in opposition for so long".

Alan: [Forcing a smile] Oh, let�s forget about all this!
[Alan takes his fork and stabs it deep into a large block of cheese. He holds it aloft in his right hand.]
Alan: Do you want some cheese?
Tony: [Sitting back, slightly worried] No thanks.
Alan: [Sniffs it] Mmm. Quite nice. Smells. Do you want to smell it? [Alan offers the cheese, still on the end of his fork, to Tony.]
Tony: No thanks.
Alan: Smell the cheese.
Tony:No I don't want to.
Alan: [More forcefully] Smell my cheese!
Tony: Alan, please.
[Alan gets up from his seat and thrusts the cheese into Tony Hayers� face]
Alan: [Shouting] Smell my cheese, you mother!

Norwich is still not on the map.