Well, you see, that was the problem. Wayne was frustrated by the way England were playing, with him up there on his own, pop eyed and generally fit to burst. The poor fella had no choice but to get in a an unwinnable scramble with a couple of Portuguese defenders, back heel one of them in the nads and then shove Ronaldo in the chest right in front of the referee.
Well, maybe there’s a point here. Watching England play a supposedly sophisticated system like 4-5-1 is like watching a brontosaurus try to grow hair to avoid becoming extinct. The Portuguese simply responded by playing their own midfield far enough forward to push ours back, leaving Wayne alone up there, hooting and wailing.
So it was Sven’s fault. No it wasn’t. Today’s tabs have gone with the "Ronaldo got Wayne sent off" angle, and according to the Mirror the infantile thunder god has promised to “sort Ronaldo out” and threatened never to play with him again at Man U.
You know what else the greasy foreign bastard did, when it was up to him to score the penalty that would take Portgual through to the semis? He faked the keeper twice during the run up and then slotted the ball into the top right hand corner like a man posting a letter. What a typically sly and effeminate Mediterranean response to pressure. A real Enlgishman like our Wayne responds to pressure by waving his arms around and flailing at anything that moves.
So out we go. Sven pockets the last tranche of his five million and goes off to leave the suckers to it. Beckham pops up on lunchtime TV and resigns the captaincy. Our Becks may be half an hour behind the play out there on the field, but back where it counts he’s still one step ahead of the publicity. A million jelly bellied flag flappers cry into their beer before forking out half their mortgage for another subscription to Sky sports. England’s new manager begins the task of steering the lumbering giant into the quarter finals of the next major championship, the minimum level necessary to keep the punters hopeful and their wallets open. The farce continues.