9.00am: awaken to usual restorative draught of hot chicken blood, brought by equerry.
9.10am. Chicken blood on the tepid side. Have equerry flayed. William and Harry will be pleased by their new gloves.
9.30 am. Accept mass homage of Bilderberg group. Ritual dirge, abasement, etc. By video link.
10.00am. More teleconferencing. Those global cocaine shipments don’t move themselves you know! Remind minions that though I won’t be round to keep an eye of them over the next few days, I have the ‘thousand eyes of the pineapple’ so think on.
10.40 am. El Chapo Guzman a most enthusiastic fellow, but he should not bring a chainsaw into The Presence, even ‘virtually’. Will overlook this time.
11.30am. Ceremonials due to begin, but first need equerry to inspect the entrails. Equerry struggles rather, but entrails propitious.
1.00pm (note to self) am tired of Greeks. Their antics no longer amuse. Must have them crushed utterly (arrange w/freemasons)
2.00pm. On royal flotilla. Selecting virgins as gift to Neptune.
2.30 pm. Impressive turnout by subjects. Philip quotes Caligula ‘if only they had one neck’. What an erudite fellow I married!
3.15pm perhaps it is time to change the loyal address to ‘she killed my ma, she killed my pa, but still she is my eternal queen’ I believe something like that worked for the amusing Mr Taylor. Are my subjects ready? Yes. I think so.
3,30 pm. Looking at the assembled crowd, I can’t help wondering what they would do if they really knew what goes into Innocent Smoothies. Usually only tell people at point of death, when tired of playing with them.
4.pm Arrive back at the palace to find a package waiting from President Obama. He has thoughtfully sent me some of his old kill lists. The pictures enclosed have their eyes scratched out by his very own fingernails. I find myself warming to that young man.
5pm. At banquet. Remark to Prime Minister that the supply of orphan’s tears for my martinis is still rather spotty, despite all the effort he says he has been putting in. ‘I want results, David’ I say. Give him that ‘special’ look.
7pm. Mistook catering company chap for envoy from Bilderbergers here to pick up nightly orders. Was most indiscreet. Now will have to kill him, his family, his workmates and everyone he ever knew. What a bother.
8pm. Ask William if he has succeeded in getting Kate to bring her sister over for one of our ‘quiet family evenings’. He says he is working on it.
9pm. And so to bed. Watching equerry bring nightly draught of hot chicken blood. His hands shake a little. He’d better not spill any.