Jedi Knights: a formal indictment

Now that my campaign against the evil influence of Jedi Knights seems to be causing ripples, I had better set before the public a formal indictment of this vicious cult – one which I fully intend to use when I get my day in court.

On my masthead is the bold statement that Jedi Knights killed Our Saviour. This may seem a little excessive.

Think again. Jedi Knights live for thousands of years. I have seen nothing in biblical or other sources of exegesis that establishes positively that Jedi Knights were not present at the Crucifixion. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Like yourselves I have seen many pictorial representations of the Crucifixion and the events leading up to it. All the significant characters have beards and long, flowing robes.

Ask yourself: how do Jedi Knights dress?

Beards and long flowing robes are also prominent amongst the entourage of terror master Osama bin Laden. Indeed, he is himself so accoutred.

And David Blunkett has a beard. Perhaps long, flowing robes would be too much of a giveaway. Think about it.

Back to events in Palestine. Jesus, you will recall, was condemned by the Sanhedrin, supposedly a “Jewish religious council” of some sort. There was a remarkably similar council of Jedi Knights in one of the Star Wars prequels. I don’t know which one. One of the crap ones. But the similarities are startling.

How did the Jedi Knights contrive to blame the Jews for killing Jesus? The infamous Protocols of the Elders of Zion was supposedly concocted by agents of the Okhrana, the Tsarist intelligence service, in Paris. The Okhrana were Russians. Russians in the 19th Century were famous for their beards and long, flowing coats. Robes, again, would be too obvious.

So there you have it. Jedi Knights killed Jesus and contrived to blame the Jews. They laid the foundations for the Holocaust. If you defend Jedi Knights, then by an intellectual process that has become popular over the last year or so, you are clearly an anti-semite. You are also an Islamofascist, since, as we have seen, the Jedi Knights were also behind 9/11. Is it too much to add that the heroin cultivators of Afghanistan – the poisoners of our youth – are customarily dressed in beards and long, flowing robes?

No. It is not.

“Jamie” my critics will say. “Have you been at the Special Brew? This doesn’t make any fucking sense at all.”

“No” I will reply. “Of course it doesn’t make any fucking sense. It’s a faith. It’s a religion.”

I am an ordained minister in the church of antijediknighthood. I’ve just bought a certificate to that effect from a prestigious divinity college in the US. It cost me a whole twenty dollars.

You see, I have outwitted Blunkett and his Jedi Knight puppet masters. I wish to spread hatred of the Jedi Knights and all they stand for. So I must be prosecuted. But hatred of Jedi Knights is the wellspring of my whole spiritual outlook. So I must be found not guilty.

Ladies, gentlemen and fellow emotional cripples of Blogistan. I have only one more thing to say.

Join me! Start today! Link to this post! Post your own scorching exposes of Jedi Knight evil on your own blogs! Demand to be arrested and tried. You have the right to your day in court and they have the obligation to give it to you.

Together we will drive the Jedi Knight scum from the face of the earth. We will winkle them out of their hiding places and beat them with shitty sticks.

And if we can’t do that, at least we can try and kill a stupid law with accumulated ridicule.

Thank you.

Comments

[Backword Dave]

I suppose you've seen this? Reproduced in full here if the Times link requires subscription. Search for "force" and all will be clear.

[Frank]

How one MP views the 'incitement to religious hatred law': Incitement law could have stopped Rushdie hurting Muslims

[myrtle]

Commendable.

I have two words to say to you 'Spike', and 'Yoda'.
Check them out, then reel as you become aware of the extent of my cultural referencing capabilities.