calvin made me gay

Klein, not John. There's this lad who's a) gay, b) afflicted with Christian parents (link removed - see comments). So they’re sending him off to the preachers to be de-gayed. Before going, he reprints some of the rules:

Modesty is expected. No tight, provocative, or suggestive clothing or spandex may be worn. No provocative or suggestive mannerisms are permitted. Fresh undergarments are to be worn at all times. Boxer shorts of any kind are considered underwear and are not to be worn as outer clothing. All clients must be dressed appropriately in clean, unwrinkled clothes when leaving the house for the day. Men may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.

LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances. Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity, seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women), excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or gay/lesbian behavior and talk.

Clients are expected to actively re-evaluate the influences of secular media. Phase 1 clients are restricted from television-viewing, internet access, secular media, or reading of any kind without specific permission. Clients may not enter any non-Christian bookstores. Phase 2 clients may use email and the internet at work for work purposes. Training program clients may listen to secular music. However, they may not listen to secular radio for the first 30 days. No secular music is allowed in residences or when around Phase 1 clients.

Comments

[Jayanne]

Can you take down the link? (thank you,) this is an e-mail from The Queer Action coalition, quoted on a US blog (pandagon):

>>>>>>>>>>>
Thank you for your email. We are feeling the same concern that you are that actions will be taken against him to make his time spent in LIA even worse than it has to be. We are attempting to defray any unneccessary focus upon any one teen in the program; we are asking and have asked that bloggers not link directly to *******'s blog. We do understand, however, that it is much easier for the public to latch onto a story with an identity, so all of our attempts may not be successful. Thank you for sharing your concern, and rest assured that we are doing our best to make sure nothing bad comes to ****** because of our actions. In the meantime, if you see anything that you deem to be questionable or personal about ******, feel free to email us with the website's address.

[Kevin Carson]

"Fresh undergarments are to be worn at all times."

But when you put them on, they're not fresh any more. This instruction ranks right up there with "Lather, rinse, repeat": "But when can I stop?" Or that time that Jethro Bodine got a new watch: "In exactly 30 seconds the time will be.... Wait, that's 24 seconds.... No, wait...."

[jamie]

Yes, but if you have Jesus in your pants they will stay miraculously fresh and free from skid marks.

[Kevin Carson]

And just how is the rule going to be enforced? Underwear inspectors? Reminds me of the Rodney Dangerfield "Dad" character in Natural Born Killers: "Go upstairs and take a shower, right now! And be sure you get good and clean, 'cause I'll be up to check!" Sounds like the organization's leadership hasn't finished addressing all its own latent homosexuality problems.