re-branding, re-branded

Home Office Minister Hazel Blears today backed down from her controversial proposed policy of “re-branding” British Muslims, claiming that she had been misunderstood.

“I never mentioned ‘re-branding’” she said. “What I said was ‘branding’. We’re going to brand British Muslims.”

Under proposed new Home Office regulations, members of Britain’s Muslim community will be given the opportunity of being branded on the forehead with the words ‘loyal Muslim.’

“We believe that the choice of words represents both an acknowledgement of the contribution that Muslims bring to our diverse yet unified society and a commitment to the mainstream values of Britain” said Mark Leonard, Chief Executive of the Universal Gobshite Institute, who is involved in drafting the proposed legislation.

“It also represents a commitment to transparency in the political process” he said. “We need to know where everyone is coming from.”

Critics of the new legislation have been quick to emerge. “You can’t go around branding people on the face” said Shami Chakrabarti of the civil rights pressure group Liberty. “It’s like something out of an old wild west movie.

In response, Ms Blears accused Ms Chakrabarti of “knee-jerk anti-Americanism.” Branded Muslims would also help the police in their search for terrorists, she said.

“Security forces will be quickly able to distinguish between people advocating the true, moderate voice of Islam and extremists” said Ms Blears. She added that although the scheme was voluntary, those who refused to comply may be targeted by forthcoming laws making it illegal to condone or glorify terrorism.

“If you’re not loyal, then what are you? We need to investigate further” she said.

Other ethnic groups, including the white population, will also be offered the opportunity of having themselves branded after a successful rollout of the scheme amongst British Muslims. Slogans under discussion include “Faithful Sambo”, “Decent Left” and “I’m Chinese – I just get on with it”.

“Think of it as ID card version 2.0” said Mark Leonard. “Except without the card.”

Comments

[Pete]

Very witty. There I was having a good chuckle, when suddenly it struck me. Blimey! Hazel Blears! IT MUST BE TRUE!

[chris]

Don't mock the afflicted. No, on second thoughts I take that back. As you were, carry on.

[Alex]

I got three lines in before realising it was a fake...

[Philip Challinor]

She'd never call it "branding". This is New Labour, for Murdoch's sake. They'd call it something like Frontal Reintegration through Epidermal Excoriation - FREE for short.